Afternoon 1st Feb 2010

In the arms of the angels
I lost the feeling that I used to feel
The feeling of reality
The feeling of control
The feeling of life
So in the arms of the angels I fly away
From all these
From all of these
Having none of these
Else its me breathing lifelessly.

The feeling of death

How do you feel 1 min before your death. What happens after you cross over to death.

What happens? Will your consciousness stop too ? Where would my mind be ? Where is this soul call Yen gonna go ?

What is it ?

We probably would drag ourselves 60-80 years in planet earth and live an earthling life. But what happens after that ? So what ?

Its very scary yet exciting.

scary because we do not know. We just do not know.

Exciting.. because what if the soul doesnt die.

The feeling of 1980 sadness

Do you how does it feel to be sad in 1980s ?

its a 1980's nostalgia that sticks mildly on your mind.

Mildly sadly. Its a sadness that you can enjoy.

And a sadness that leaves u unfigurable.

1980s sadness. thanks.

What is the meaning of my life

The more i chase this meaning of my life the more i cannot find it

why some people can have such a clear meaning of life

some just do not need one and can be really carefree and happy

and some are like me being just so frustrated needing to find one

meaning of life.

i think i used to have one. but now i am not sure anymore.

maybe i am not suppose to have one the older i get

I am going to be 30. There are suddenly more questions that comes to me

for me to find an answer to them.

I look at my sad work life. And also my sad self.

I think perhaps i need a change to revamp this before i start to hate myself for wasting life away like that

I am just caught. I am unable to release myself until i find a so call answer.

or perhaps this answer will be devalidated sometime again in the future.

Transient. phuck.. its transient.

I have no answer. And i have nothing that i want to say .

All right are wrong all wrong are right. The middle way.

Smile

Smile

Smile, though your heart is aching
Smile, even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky
You'll get by... If you smile
With your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll find that life is still worthwhile if you'll just...
Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you'll just... Smile, though your heart is aching
Smile, even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky
You'll get by... If you smile
Through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you'll just Smile...
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you'll just Smile

Sometimes i wish they belong to me

She is Nane. 6 years old. Intelligent. And i love her so .

Playing with the kids with Sky. I feel fortunate to be with them even for only a short time.

Ming Ming and sister Por Piang . They have grown into active kids. Loveable. Joy to see them grow.

And sometmes i wish they are mine. So that i can see them grow and become the cutest princess.

but sometimes i know.. it is ok to appreciate them for who they are and where they come from.

I stand aside and lock them into my memory. I walk the fields and see what they see and what they breath. I feel happy for them as they have the kind of life i always want to live like.

I can only imagine for now.

And sorry for not able to understand what they always mumble to me about. The guilt of not being able to answer them makes me want to learn this language faster.

I can only work harder from now...

Good times are locked in a picture of joy.

Meet up with a good friend - Sathit @ Thaton

His house is nothing more than a run down wooden house but he gave me the best. This mosquito net that is put up just for me is just amazing. Sleeping in it kept me feeling safe and sound. One of the best sleepovers ever.

Thaton is a small little town at the border of Chiang Rai province. My friend Sathit is a teacher at Thaton. Sathit is from southern thailand but has fall in love with north thailand like me. His respect for his culture and people and his openness in his mind and heart has touch the dusted soul of mine.

His motto is " Simple Living , High Thinking "

I wish i am able to settle my mind just like that too.

Great friend from the most secluded place.

Songkran - Water Festival ( different time, same joy )

Recently in Chiang Mai ( in the month of July) yet i caught these pictures at the busiest street in Chiang Mai. Pure Bliss to see hundreds of people enjoying themselves at thisSongkran Water Festival which is suppose to only take place in April.

It happened that these scenes are part of a foreign movie shoot. I am honoured to be able to capture these moments. The festival may not be at the right time for real but the joy of playing with the water is genuine. Happiness is across everyone's faces and hearts. And mine too.

Just if everyday is Songkran.

Khao Ka Mu

Recently in ChiangMai. Tasted once again the best Khao Ka Mu ( Rice with braised pig trotter with Egg ) in my LIFE.

This is just a simple dish for the thais and yet it is just amazing to taste this in your mouth .

Imagine the nicely boiled egg yolk with the rice soaked in the right proportion of the braised gravy. I have to say that this is really down right delicious.

I wish this picture tells it all.

Cherishables

going back to a house that i am owning and have a space of my own
listening to wife nagging
buying bread for my wife
listen to mum cooking
listen to mum talking
buying my favourtie sccer cards
playing my soccer game
going to work on the train which is rather punctual
being able to complain in comfort

i think i will work on this for a while.

i cherish people around me.

Cannot think out of it

I think i have lost the ability to feel happy.

I have been thinking about why so and how to eliminate my unhappiness.

I do not know how to start to convince myself again that I can be happy and should be .

It all started with my job. I am tired of the job nature and also the busy job load. Its impossible to finish it.

My solution is to get another job but again in about 2 years time i may be tired of it again. But good thing is that it will revive me for another 2 years.

The other solution is to accept what my job is for now and be happy. The question is how.

So we can start with adjusting our perspective within. Which i think i should try.

Staying at my job for 8 hours a day does not help. It frustrates me to the core. I am not zen and peaceful at all at work.

I hope that i will get killed somehow by a freak accident. Or win a big lottery. Or perhaps suddenly feel enlightened. So that i do not have to live with this job that is draining me now.

sigh.. this is the end of the world. i need a long long long break from this.

The older i get the more i know happiness is hard to attain. It is true. Because we start to see more of our surroundings and our sufferings. And the more we try to help ourselves the more we find that will fail us. Religion fails. Ideas fails. Theory fails. Nothing seems to be the final answer.

sick.

hate this.

Did you ever start to notice

Today Michael jackson died while i was sleeping on my bed at 3am my local time.

The time that he died I was sleeping.

I only come to know about it 7am in the morning over the radio. My heart didnt sink that immediately until i saw it for myself on cnn.com.

I spend my first hour in the office listening to the broadcast of his death. Slowly the truth sank in.

But my day was busy at work which didnt allow me to think too much into in till evening when i started to wind down.

The memories of his MTV and also songs passed my mind. I am quite a big fan of him and his songs. I totally enjoy him for who he is. This includes his songs, dances , showmanship and his life.

My brother sms me in the morning telling me about this news. I think it is equally a big thing for him as well. But i think it really allow us to sit back and think and recall how this idol of ours saw us thru our childhood.

In the next few days the world will be mourning for him and als digging deep into his history books to relive the moment. We are well aware of the drill.Yet this is what will happen. Itsa hype when someone goes. It forms a hype again . Imagine if he is just still ok now... we wouldnt even care about youtubing his old MTVs and redeicover how well he dance. And perhaps.. how cool that moonwalk is.

I all along have michael jackson's music and MTV in my Ipod....

Today on the way back home.. ipicked the softer ones to listen. " Will you be there " and "gone too soon " . I felt a sense of lost at thebus stop when i was listening to this. Thats when it perhaps started to sunk in that we have lost him. Its a passing phase sadness but it is sadness that only a few can give. He is afterall a TRUE idol of my growing up.

I am now flipping thru some MTV in youtube of his... Somehow i really think he is influential to my life.

The first english album casette that i have bought is his Dangerous Album. i remembered that the first song that i learnt consciously was his " who is it " . I subsequently learnt his other songs and it actually helped me improved my english.

sigh ... i walked to Popular CD shop to findhis album. Found but left it on the rack .

Just hope that my idol has proceeded to a better place.

And thank you so much for being who you have been to me.

Byebye my friend. I will still spin your songs always.

"I have to"

I have to go to meet my friend.

I have to work and pay off my debt.

I have to get a masters degree.

I have to make sure I am better than the rest financially.

I have to make sure they do not see the weak side of me.

Some of the more common inner voice we may have depending what you think you "have to" do or fufil.

Again .. do we really "have to " ?

I agree with what venerable has said. The only thing that we "have to" do is "die". For the rest of the stuff, we have a choice.

Do I really have to work ?

Do I really have to be better than the rest ?

Or perhaps... its just better to say

I "choose to " work .

I "choose to " be better than my friends.

I "choose to" not show my weak sides.

I "choose to" want to give more and more to people that i "choose to" love.

Choosing to is much more positive and making me/us more conscious of our choices.

Today has gone. I have chosen to go to work in the morning. I have chosen to squeeze with people in the train. I have chosen to work silently. I have chosen to ask my colleagues for lunch and bitching. I have chosen to help my colleague to do a task. I have chosen to blog this tonight.

Choices. I made. Conscious. Its good even though it could be a bad activity. All because with consciousness, i tend to sway away from lousy decisions.

I choose to sleep now. And i will choose to wake up and work tomorrow.

I choose. I choose to be happy and contented.