3 Weeks into my Job

I guess i will never have the time to pen this down if i don't put in the effort to. I find a compelling need to put it down so maybe i can re-read again sometime in the future.

Already three weeks into my new job at the fund company. Looking back what have i done ?

- Set up some new computers
- fixed some network problems
- understand more about networking ( IT)
- learnt about how to manage e mail accounts

Well thats for the IT side of things.

What else.

- trying to help my boss to come up with some spread sheet to help him snap data
- trying to understand his work and also to help him in the installation of a few financial software
- got to learn some bloomberg functions

Well thats for the financial side of things

What else ?

- got to know that i may not be good enough in my excel skills
- got to know that my boss is not too happy with my performance in it
- got to know that my boss is demanding because i am not performing
- got to know that i am no longer in a comfy zone

in a net shell thats about it. Emotionally i guess it has been a rather tough three weeks because i have been on the ball giving my 101% for three full weeks. From the hardware to the software then to picking up pieces in my excel progamming. I guess perhaps i injected too much effort in pleasing but failing in some aspect. That totally messed me up. Because i am not willing to be inferior or unable to please.

I guess more of unable to please.

What is going through my mind now really... I know what lies ahead but i dunno the road yet. I cant see it very clearly but i am indeed praying for some light. I need to be good in what i am required to do but i am not given the time to due to demanding demands.

I freaked out. I stopped thinking.

Am i expected too much of or is it that i am simply not good enough. Too much in my la la land dreaming still perhaps. No more good life so called. Byebye to sitting down at my desk running SIMPLE macros that i have written to reduce my work load. I am dealing with a different ball game now. Competing at the world level with many many other traders. I have to beat the best to emerge as the best. Because if not it means nothing to my bosses. This is truely different to the ball game ( if ever a game ) being in the company i was previously in. Unchallenged most of the times.

I am still glad that i took this new job up because it is an experience i will never get so easily. I must have hitted well during the selection process. But i am also lucky to be trusted for my ability in progamming stuff. Too lucky ? or perhaps i am just the right one actually.

I would pray for more time and liniency . I am only one.

Hope peace will come to me soon. And i hope i will be fully integrated into my job soon. It is a good job. I want to be good in this.

I have to remember not to lose myself again. I think i lost myself somehow in the past week. I didnt care about my own feelings and didnt know it was so bottled.

Open and i will receive will i ? I think Yen is changing. He is shattered in a good way. I have got to be shattered somehow. To be better i have to be the worst again.