Alone in office

8 am. Alone in office. Friday. Somehow my boss arrives late. No one yet at this time. Usually they should be here already. Quiet time for me. Hope i can get to pen down some thoughts using this pocket of time.

Long week. Rather tired because i have been coming in at 8 am all week. Perhaps this is nothing as compared to those people working in hawker centre or wet markets where they have to wake up much much earlier.

Always there will be someone having worse than me. For sure. But I am feeling the toll on my body as well as mental stability. But i think i am managing pretty ok. I did not break down or whatsoever. Just feel tired and feeling like giving up but in a calm manner.

Everyday at day end i feel tired and aimless because i know tomorrow i will end the day the same way. I have no positive outlook to look forward to perhaps except the pay check at the end of the month which to me is really not so important actually perhaps. Less money problem but more mental problem. Give and take. Once i am on the greener pasture on one end i lose the other. This perhaps is something i have totally missed out because i have my working ideals.

Working in a fast paced environment is not my forte. I think i am a person who likes to take my time in doing something. Is this a matter of getting use to ? I am really not sure yet. Maybe i will give it 1 more week and see how it goes.

I am only one person. But i know i have to be tough. Be tough will see me through.

Pockets of time

Do you have a pocket of time ?

Last time i used to have but not now. And i dislike it. I hate it totally.

Chee bye.

Call me drama

It has been a day that i think i want to pen down what really went by. I stormed into my office at slightly before 9. Went to my desk and found that i forgot to bring my spectacles. Sick. Can't work well without spectacles. But anyway today is suppose to be the day i want to tell my boss that i am quitting.

I turned to my boss who is sitting just besides me. ' Hey you have a second ? ' and off we went into the meeting room. It was like verdict time. Because just last friday my boss actually told me i am not good enough for the job. Imagine that .. sick. I have to admit i did not achieve what they want me to achieve. Been a long while since i last not able to do something at work. But i think this time round my 'incompetency' is not really justified simply because i think they think tooo highly of me. Or perhaps they just do not know how a programmer works.

I am not a programmer at heart. I am just a simple VBA magician which makes things slightly easier. Now they are asking me to build spread sheets that needs to do a million things at one go of course I am not able to do it. Gosh... As one of my friend has put it . it may just be a mismatch of job and talent. They have a job but i have no talent.

Whatever it is in short i was just told that i am not good enough for them which i have to agree because i cant do what they want me to do.( whether other people can do it is another issue by itself )

I opened the conversation openly saying that i cannot be the programmer they want in 2 months time simply because i am not good enough. Of course more to follow from my aussie boss. bla bla bla on the theory of life.. and work. Telling me it is best to give it my best shot . He also explicitly tells me that i have to come in to work at 8am ( damn the time ) and also NOT ABLE to go for 1 hour lunch break. OH MY GOD. slap in my face. But I know where he is coming from fully. Of course i may argue that 1 hour lunch time is just normal for a singapore setting. But i know it is not where he is coming from. He wanted me to give it my fullest and HOPE that i can make this job work for myself and for the company. Hopefully i can grow into someone they need.

He admitted that he has no money to employ an experience programmer and i guess he has also better know that when he is paying me lesser do expect lesser ( which they are not ) . Sigh.. god.. today has been truly hard somehow to know that i will need to get into office at 8 am and have NO 1 hr Lunch ! And for the record purpose.. today i only ended work at 8pm. Wah kaoz.

I do not know what will happen really but i know perhaps this is to wake me up from my idea once and for all. Just perhaps truly the REAL world is not 9 to 6 ( like in my previous company ) . The real world is not just you do your own stuff and i do my own. And the real world is more than just acting, it is WAYANG, it is DRAMA.

So call real world.

I ask myself what i really want. A comfy life. yes definitely. Financial stability . Yes definitely. A hectic life ? no.... but it all will not work out at all because fish and bear palm cannot both get. Like what my boss told me.. seldom they are people who will have both. If i want stability in my life ( in terms of $$ ) give it my best shot now and then relax when i get older.

He makes sense. But i know i have a tough bullet to swallow.

Tomorrow i will have to wake up at 6:30pm. I have to be in at work at 8 am . I have to work till 8 pm. I have to have NO 1 hour lunch break. I have to look into my screen. I have to work truely for that 11 hours.

I truely worked that hard. It is only the beginning. How long can I endure ? I am not too sure. But i am sure that i did learn a lot in this job even though i have only been at it for 1 month. In terms of knowledge and also experiencing new job scopes. Truely i think this is a good job for me because it is truely excel based. I can be the best in excel if i work on it but somehow life is not easy and yes bosses comes in and say they want it faster that you can make it.

For now i think my short term aim is just working my ass off for the next 60 days and see how it goes. I am not sure whether this is really for me even though it sounds just glam in my own way. At least i can say " yeah i am working in a fund company doing bla bla bla " but it is more than this bla bla bla. It is tough work, sacrifices and the gain is in the mind. If i dont try i wouldnt have known.

I have to say bye bye to my 9-6 me. I have to say hello to the real world. But i have to keep the me that has always been so happy and positive. Afterall life as my wife has realised is about self. a happy self. nothing is more important that how you feel. If you cant enjoy yourself you are missing the point totally.

It is 10pm. I have to rest early. This is not a rat race. This is just me going through a drastic change in my life style.

3 Weeks into my Job

I guess i will never have the time to pen this down if i don't put in the effort to. I find a compelling need to put it down so maybe i can re-read again sometime in the future.

Already three weeks into my new job at the fund company. Looking back what have i done ?

- Set up some new computers
- fixed some network problems
- understand more about networking ( IT)
- learnt about how to manage e mail accounts

Well thats for the IT side of things.

What else.

- trying to help my boss to come up with some spread sheet to help him snap data
- trying to understand his work and also to help him in the installation of a few financial software
- got to learn some bloomberg functions

Well thats for the financial side of things

What else ?

- got to know that i may not be good enough in my excel skills
- got to know that my boss is not too happy with my performance in it
- got to know that my boss is demanding because i am not performing
- got to know that i am no longer in a comfy zone

in a net shell thats about it. Emotionally i guess it has been a rather tough three weeks because i have been on the ball giving my 101% for three full weeks. From the hardware to the software then to picking up pieces in my excel progamming. I guess perhaps i injected too much effort in pleasing but failing in some aspect. That totally messed me up. Because i am not willing to be inferior or unable to please.

I guess more of unable to please.

What is going through my mind now really... I know what lies ahead but i dunno the road yet. I cant see it very clearly but i am indeed praying for some light. I need to be good in what i am required to do but i am not given the time to due to demanding demands.

I freaked out. I stopped thinking.

Am i expected too much of or is it that i am simply not good enough. Too much in my la la land dreaming still perhaps. No more good life so called. Byebye to sitting down at my desk running SIMPLE macros that i have written to reduce my work load. I am dealing with a different ball game now. Competing at the world level with many many other traders. I have to beat the best to emerge as the best. Because if not it means nothing to my bosses. This is truely different to the ball game ( if ever a game ) being in the company i was previously in. Unchallenged most of the times.

I am still glad that i took this new job up because it is an experience i will never get so easily. I must have hitted well during the selection process. But i am also lucky to be trusted for my ability in progamming stuff. Too lucky ? or perhaps i am just the right one actually.

I would pray for more time and liniency . I am only one.

Hope peace will come to me soon. And i hope i will be fully integrated into my job soon. It is a good job. I want to be good in this.

I have to remember not to lose myself again. I think i lost myself somehow in the past week. I didnt care about my own feelings and didnt know it was so bottled.

Open and i will receive will i ? I think Yen is changing. He is shattered in a good way. I have got to be shattered somehow. To be better i have to be the worst again.