Classic Moment of me and my sadness

Just had a weekend getaway to a resort in Batam. Never been there before but the protocol is the same- take a boat and in an hours time you are in a land of timelessness and hotel living.

But it is moments like this that i seldom feel myself capturing in my heart for good. A good slice of leisure and timelessness. A 'me' lost in my world of the 'me' that has got nothing to worry about for the next 24 hours. Sitting by the beach villa looking out into the sunny sky and sparkling sea waves ,sipping my fresh coconut juice in the comfortable airconditioned room.

I got lost in that trance . The trance that puts me into fear of thinking of my problems. Because so, it makes me even more wanting to be locked into this moment of me. The me that just stares into a picture of lifestyle and timelessness.

I know the sadness comes from my fear of my lost self who has got to constantly battle with my life events. Some events to me are still a battled even though many I do not have to . But i fear the few and fear them a lot.

This fear lead me into capturing this moment of me in timelessness. I feel it so strongly in me i wish i never have to come out of it because it is a beautiful emotion and state of mind to go through.

Now i am back to my own home. No coconut juice, no sea and sunshine. Just me and my lingering timelessness. After my sleep i know i will be thrown into the frenzy again. This frenzy now i do not really adore so much. And this doubt of me not liking it is the fear that i am talking about.

I have got to sort it out slowly. For now.. I have to let time push me through. Timelessness is precious.

The danger zone

So what if you have a good job and everything seems to be alright on the surface. It may not be the happiness that you have been wanting. It is so true.

At any point in our lives it seems that we are chasing or dreaming for something more and different. So greed is the thing. Greed spoils happiness.

I remember when i was signing the job in my previous fund company i was really happy because i thought this is my break ! the break that will transform me into the butterfly i dreamt to be. But I figured later it is not the happiness i wanted.

Happiness seems short .. it happens between changes for me. Like a change of job. A change of luck. A change of liking.

Especially when it comes to my job.. i think very much of me wants to be good and better but when it comes to getting used to the job i feel low because greed has comed in to take over what was seen as my dream job and inject unsatisfactory juice into my brain.

Well perhaps my life has gone into another stage slowly... it is the independent stage. The stage where everyone starts to see u as an adult and expects u to be an adult.

not getting used to being an adult yet. but i think meaning of life is defined by myself.

For now i am still going thru the motion. I want to spend more meaningful time with my loved ones. So it makes the rest more bearable. I wish myself well and i hope somehow i feel the goodness of my life now and for a long long time to be.

Finding Happiness

Is happiness something to be found ? Is putting a verb ' searching' even appropriate ? Happiness. What is it ?

We are perhaps too much controlled by the society in our expectations of what is happiness. The society defines its happiness which is imposed on us that may not even be true to ourselves.

Such definition pulls us towards an influence choice of what we want happiness to be.

So how are we suppose to know what true happiness is.

I have experience some true happiness before. Like landing myself in the United States for the first time. The moment I landed I felt free. I felt that i am myself. Perhaps back then i was able to leave everything behind me and enjoy a period of time that i have to myself in my own control.

I feel happy when I think about having someone I can live with and be comfortable with because i know I genuinely have that someone with me.

The older I get the most inhibitions i have on myself towards feeling happiness. More layers placed over me. I wish that I will not have to deal with it.

I love my wife because there is true happiness with her which I know will be irreplaceable for me.

9:30am and the Tyra Bank Show

It must have been tagged the second Oprah in the making . It must have been mocked and laughed at but millions yet captured the hearts of millions.

Tyra Bank has her show The Tyra Bank Show. And of all the time that it is aired on TV no time is better than weekdays morning.

The show is fluttered with women either in their 30's 40's both age or waistline clapping ever so hard for WHO EVER that comes on for the show. Victims, professionals etc etc you name it Tyra has a way of squeezing the tears out of the ladies tear glands.

And yet just because of this .. the 9 am TV crowd are birds of a feather... Those women that stayed at home got nothing better to do and is hooked on TV. This show is a way to have a small pseudo conference with women alike. Women who feels that they are less than perfect and less than happy.

Tyra wants to empower the girls. Giving them confidence and LOADS of goodies. If one girl gets a goody , you know it.. everyone gets a goody. Similiar to what Oprah is having it facinates so many people as if $$ falls from the sky. The kind of opulence that is oozing out of the show is sometimes funnily disgusting.

Every episode of Tyra amazes me. It is selling the art of America problem. Divorce, weigh issues, single mums, tears and what have u not in this American joke. It is a joke to us some but not to them. So on one side of the chair sits me the asian man who is laughing his ass off such shows but i know many are on the other side of the chair, symphatizing with every bit of the show has to offer.

I love it even though i think Tyra is a little fat now. She is great in giving us America. The side of America that i can sit back in my living room every morning to laughed at. At the same time funnily i laughed at myself. Over weight, wanting a fuller life, needing empowerment. Perhaps this is a game that not only Americans play. It is in all of us shouting deep inside.. Tyra Tyra ..